On Procrastination
I like ‘tools’. I like discovering new apps and programmes. I like pottering around in a web environment discovering things I didn’t know I didn’t know. This is, for me, a distraction.
I also have wishes, hopes, ambitions and dreams. Some realistic, about getting a particular job or having a particular role, and that I have achieved. Some, more in the unrealistic category, like writing a novel or just writing more regularly.
I have used many different tools to try and help me build a book, or at least, a longer piece of writing. I’m a fan of Scrivener because I like putting time in to learn a tool. It distracts me from the actual ‘doing’. I’ve also dabbled with Dabble, plotted with Plottr, if there’s a programme or an app for writers out there (particularly with free trial periods), I have used, or at least, tried it.
I think in my head, if I just get the ‘clicking’ with a workflow or a system, that’ll be it, off I’ll go.
I have taken courses, both in-person and virtually, to get my ‘creative juices’ flowing. I read blogs about the processes of writing. There is a whole genre of ‘writing about writing’ that is great when you want to think about all that is holding you back.
I have written endless short stories or at least, I have started them, not being entirely satisfied with them but knowing enough to know, while I don’t have any talent as a writer (I tell myself, that if I did, I would have been ‘discovered’ by now), it is something that helps me think — helps me piece together the thoughts in my head.
Few people though, are born with talent, very few. Talent is surely something that can be nurtured and sustained through use, through practice, and if there is nowhere that practice is going, or if I remain in my own head, convinced of mediocrity, it leaves me in a position where I cannot develop.
I am aware, this is not exactly convincing anyone to read what I write, and honestly, while it’s nice to have an audience, this is mostly about writing for myself, telling myself that I can do this, and I can do this regularly. If anyone wants to join the journey for the ride, they are most welcome. But if you are reading this, instead of nurturing your own dreams, then it might be time to think about the why.
Of course, it’s great if you can get that validation externally — who doesn’t dream of ‘making a difference’ but to ‘make a difference’ you have to actually move to the less comfortable stages of writing. You have to put ‘stuff’ out there but also be comfortable with working through the times when you might not feel like it, or are busy with other things, or can’t spare the mental space. I have spent many years pushing out the reasoning and the only thing that can move me to a different place is myself. I try to keep my goals realistic though, I’m not looking for a bestseller. I am looking at completion. Maybe it isn’t even fiction that I am looking at. I’ve had some interesting jobs that have taken me to interesting places, maybe that is a better focus.
Plots have always baffled me, for example. I can think of segments, of ‘screenshots’ of my life that I need to unpack and unravel but I can’t think how to make them form a story that has interest for other people.
So suddenly, when I was out today, having a walk in the rain in the local high street, walking off stiff back pain which had developed overnight, and looking at the high road through different eyes, seeing the sun echo with a cloudy murmur of a shadow that gave it the faintest, yellow-orange glow, I realised that I have a wealth of ideas. They might not make a coherent story yet, but I am able to piece them together, add a sprinkling of ‘what if’ and take my journey into a public space — not so much about accountability — but more an attempt to try something different — I might be able to move from the frozen ‘I want to do something’ to the active ‘I am doing something’.
It isn’t about success or failure.
It isn’t about whether anyone else finds it interesting or not.
It’s about documenting how I try to finally succeed and build a dream, build this learning into my daily life.
